I’m the type of person that gives people advice but is never for following their own advice. I know a lot of people are like that, but for me it’s different; I just don’t take advice in general.
I would’ve loved to plan for my future and maybe things wouldn’t have ended the way they are now. And to be completely honest, I could’ve done things so much differently. I could have chosen a different path but I didn’t. I feel like I’m lost. I feel like I’m always running away from something…someone.
To give someone advice would be ridiculous coming from my mouth.
I want people to know how [incredibly] hard it is. I can’t wear short sleeves without getting stared at. Hell, I can’t even go to the beach without people telling me there is something wrong with me. I can’t go into work without having all these questions running through my head. I can’t stand in a restaurant line without constantly repeating my order over and over in my head and then forgetting what I want as soon as I’m next. I can’t look at a scale the same way again without feeling [regret]. It’s taking care of a body that refuses to take care of me.
And for once, I don’t want to talk about this… I am embarrassed instead of proud of all the mad things I have done for happiness. I don’t know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to follow me down it.
Recovery is hard work, not wanting to die is hard work. It is reminding myself that listening to sad songs does not count as therapy. Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home, and I’m still trying to remember that.
So to those who are still [reading], live. Find something that eases your mind and keep it within your reach. Find new coping mechanisms, meet new people, take pictures, laugh, love, live. And don’t forget that you’ll never be alone. Your life will always be worth it, to me.